Journal 23: No Longer In Control

You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.
– Sophia Bush

Week 23: October 22 – October 28

Not being in control is scary. It’s so terrifying. But what I’ve learned is that even when I don’t have any control, I always come out okay no matter what the situation is. I will always be okay even when I don’t think I will be.

A little note to myself: I am proud of you. Forgive yourself for what happened. Let go of any shame and resentment you have. Let go of the need to be in control 24/7. Take failures and mistakes as a guiding factor and learn from the lessons. You are okay despite everything.

Weekly highlights:

  • I visited the school with an eyelash extension program. The only downfall is that I won’t be able to open my own salon until I gain a certain amount of experience equivalent to a year of work. This bummed me out. I was so excited to own and run my own business. Now I’ll have to either hire someone to be a salon manager or work for a year for someone and then open my own salon. I know I would love running my own business and working on lashes is so calming for me. Downfall is that the program is quite expensive for me at the moment. It’s a big financial and time investment for me.  I’m going to have to stop overthinking on this situation for a few days. Giving me some time to clear my thoughts and then I’ll make a decision.
  • I’ll finish paying off credit card debts in January 2019. My plan got delayed by two months but it’s okay. I’ll still reach my goal and it’s only two months. I’ve learned to let go of expectations and accept things as they come. No need to worry about something I can’t change.
  • I took my car to go get checked out and fixed the brake issue! I was a little nervous because this would ultimately get charged to my credit card and I am working so hard to pay off all my debt. Turns out, the grinding metal noise did not require needing new brake pads and rotors but instead a parking shoe (something like that). It ended up only costing me $198 compared to the expected $350ish. Although the situation delayed my debt payment plan, it was still necessary. Delaying responsibilities will not make them go away. So… I fixed it.
  • I tried cycling for the first time and it felt amazing. I didn’t actually take a class but I still did it on my own for about 10 minutes and it was freeing. It’s a great stress reliever.
  • Three books I have been waiting for all came out around the same time!!!!! I would like to spend some time to read them. I’m hoping to take my time slowly with these books. Usually I binge and finish a book within 1-2 days but I’ll try to savor them slowly this time.

Things to work on:

  • Saying “no” to people, events, and things that do not positively benefit me. I gave in to going out to a Halloween event even when I didn’t want to. I spent money on the ticket, on the costume, and then on drinks. I went to the event and didn’t really enjoy it. I didn’t make the best decisions. It made me realize why I never go out much in the first place. Specifically for occasions like Halloween that don’t benefit me in any type of way. So… I learned something. I learned that from now on I need to stick to my decision and not give in. I know myself better than anyone and if I have any inkling that I won’t enjoy my time then I won’t do it. Here is to learning how to say no and staying firm with the decision.
  • Quit being so indecisive. Overthinking and overanalyzing will be the end of me.
  • Take half an hour a day to write. I haven’t been writing and I feel like all these hidden emotions are building up inside of me and that’ll come back to bite me sooner or later if I don’t release them. I need to let myself have some time to write out my emotions. Thirty minutes is not a difficult commitment to loving myself.
  • Spend an hour on the drawing board. It’s time to get in tune with my creative side.

P.S. Manifest all that you want. Put out the energy you would like to receive back. 

This weeks theme song inspiration: Generation Why by Conan Gray


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Just a dreamer trying to change her life within the next 3 years.

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